Sarah, when your mom says “call their bluff by age 3” what is an example? Cause like maybe I am doing that but also having a toddler is like living in an upside down world. Like I know his crocodile tears and don’t give in but also have to navigate it precisely as to not escalate the situation to actual tears… does that make sense and is that calling their bluff 🤷♀️
Beth, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. The way you hold such incredible strength and such incredible softness is truly beautiful. I admire you very much and cried right along with you today.
Every part of this episode just made me feel horrible. I would consider myself a pretty gentle parent to an only child who's now 15 and now I'm second guessing every parenting decision I've made. Not to mention the state of the world. I'm going to go climb into bed at 11am and eat a tub of ice cream.
Second, my mother-in-law asked me to explain what gentle parenting was after she listened to this episode (blessings to our parents' generation), and I told her that the broadest definition is that it's the idea that you should be kind to your children. Do some people take that too far to mean there should be no rules, and you should never tell your child no? Yes, there are people like that.
And, I'm going to take a wild guess. You listened to an hour-long podcast episode about the US War in Iran, Car Accidents, and Parenting. I don't have to know anything else about you to know you are a thoughtful parent who is trying really hard to do right by your kids. Your children are not rotten. They are loved. And they are whole human beings in themselves. Your kid is 15, do you like them? I feel like that's a good test. Do you enjoy their company? Do they have basic skills to use a microwave and do their laundry (it's okay if they don't, those things aren't hard, and they can learn really fast). The key to being a good parent isn't getting everything right. The key to being a good parent is giving a s*** and trying.
So, enjoy the ice cream - your nervous system probably needs a little soothing because it's hard when you feel judged. But, please do not give yourself a hard time. There are so many ways to raise a happy, healthy, functional adult. I'm reading these Presidential Biographies, and parents in the 1700s and 1800s were not good parents (also, they died at an alarming rate). Thomas Jefferson left his kids with a family member in America when he was ambassador to France, then brought them to be closer to him (when they didn't want to go) and enrolled them in a French boarding school. You are SO FAR ahead of the curve. -Maggie
Thank you so much for these kind words. It’s hard to raise kiddos in this current environment, even more so as a single mom with PTSD who spends most of the time regulating my nervous system. Your message made me feel much better. Thank you again Maggie!
Have we talked about picky eaters on the show before? Could Sarah expand how she gets her kids to be adventurous eaters? Like you force them? And Sarah, did you mention something about a choice to make PB sandwich--at what age did you start offering that?
I've always taken the approach of offering a variety of healthy, good foods; but we're approaching middle school with one who will sometimes only eat a slice of cucumber at dinner. What parenting advice does the PSP SuperNanny team have for us?!
Oof that parenting discussion really felt like it lacked nuance. As a neurodivergent parent to two neurodivergent kids I will say Sarah’s method simply does not work in all situations. I am not a permissive parent in any way but this is not a one size fits all situation. Sometimes the harder parts come when they are older. And I just want to say for anyone who needs to hear it that it’s also ok to not love being a parent and to not think raising children is the best thing out there.
I stopped listening a few minutes into the parenting discussion. Some of that is because my kids are older teens and young adults. Some of it is because parenting discussions can't address all the caveats and nuances. I have 3 very different children. Their levels of success and failure are at different ends of the spectrum. They weren't really parented significantly differently. One is an adventurous eater and traveler and one is picky and never wants to travel. One thing I think parenting books fail to take into account is the level of compliance innate to your child. I laughed when Sarah says she tells her kids to take a picture and they do it. Sometimes that is my kid and sometimes not.
Loved this whole episode. I also love that the authoritarian/permissive/ authoritative framework I learned about in grad school is making its way into the mainstream understanding. In my experience as a therapist it seems that most parenting issues come from parents expecting either too much or too little from their kids based on their developmental stage and ability. The tricky part I’m learning with my own kids is keeping up with how that development shifts. It happens both slowly and overnight!
what is the phrase Sarah has said a few times about feelings? She said it a few episodes ago and I can’t find it. related to parenting I NEED it for my eight (teen) year old daughter!
Thank you both so much for your vulnerability. My heart has been broken about the situation in Georgia, and I’m glad to hear grace being offered to those kids.
About parenting. We have two very easy-to-parent kids. I know much is their demeanor because they’ve been that way since babyhood. But it’s not like it was all a walk in the park. I lost count of the number of times people would say to me, “you’re so lucky your kids nap/stay in their rooms until wake-up time, etc.” In my mind, they didn’t have a choice! I couldn’t force them to sleep, but I certainly could force them to stay in their room for a certain amount of time. If they came out, they didn’t get to be done with rest time or get cuddles. They got marched straight back in. They learned very quickly that it didn’t work to try to get out of it. And we were all happy and well-rested and could cuddle plenty at a decent hour. 😂
But I had the energy for that enforcement because I had an equal parenting partner and generally easy kids. I think it becomes a vicious cycle with kids who are more naturally rebellious or who have real sleep problems. They need more consistency, but the parents are too tired to provide it.
I grew up in Gainesville, GA. I went to the high school where the teacher who died and his wife were teachers. My niece is a senior there this year. She has had his wife as a teacher several times. My SIL has his kid in her class. I know the DA very well.
It is the saddest of situations. My family was visiting there when it happened to see my niece star in her senior play.
I am so glad all charges were dropped. Because the wife also taught at the school, she knows these kids as well. I think it was nothing less than the grace of God that she is able to love and forgive so quickly. I feel certain that the DA who is a wonderful man is relieved to have the family want to drop the charges so he also doesn’t have to live with the possibility of these kids’ lives being ruined from this. They will always keep it in their hearts and minds, just like Beth has described, but my hope for them is that they grow to have the same kind of beautiful life Beth has now described having.
I’m so sorry for your community! It’s breaks my heart that something that should have been so fun turned so tragic. I grew up nearby in Gwinnett County. If it’s not too much trouble, please let us know how things are going and if we can help!
This was one of your best episodes. The part about car accidents was so beautifully discussed and gave me a lot to think about. Any of us could end up in a situation where something goes horribly wrong on the road.
I loved the part about parenting and felt very aligned with what you both said, especially Sarah. I always wanted children and I love being a parent to my two girls. They are 10 and almost 13 and I'm so happy with who they are becoming, and I think that we've done a good job of showing them love and having high expectations.
I know people love to say “gentle parenting isn't permissive parenting” but the popularity of gentle parenting has lead to widespread permissive parenting. I see children misbehaving in public and no one corrects them. Kids without boundaries are a nightmare to teach and be around, and if you ask any teacher, student behavior is a huge reason why teachers are fleeing the classroom. I think that a lot of parents are scared to be in charge and enforce boundaries, and that's very scary and disregulating for a child.
"Kids without boundaries are a nightmare to teach and be around, and if you ask any teacher, student behavior is a huge reason why teachers are fleeing the classroom."
As someone who has always driven a small car and has been driving a Prius for 16 years, I too believe cars are way too big. It’s terrifying on the road sometimes.
Also I stand with you Sarah, gentle parenting is the worst. As a non-child having person, gentle parented kids ruin the vibe basically everywhere. And I have incredible parents, I’m nuts about them. Also we were recently in Germany and German parenting seems to be more on the side of authoritative parenting. The kids in Germany are just so well behaved.
I loved the parenting piece. My husband was frustrated with our daughter because we’re getting the ‘No one else has to do x and y’ argument. I told him that a. Kids say that but b. What I learned from my time teaching is that a lot of kids AREN’T expected to do a lot. When Sarah said our expectations are so low, I find that to be so true of many of the kids we know.
How would you recommend dealing with a kid who will go as long as 48 hours without eating because he doesn't like anything that is available. Asking for a friend.
I come to this with the perspective of knowing a few people whose lives were ravaged by eating disorders and I have a very picky eater. I refuse to make food a power struggle. I will make what I’m going to make and we always have an assortment of safe foods for my daughter that she can make for herself. Just this week, her doctor was like “oh she has TMJ” so eating hard or crunchy foods probably is uncomfortable for her. I just want meal time to be pleasant - not because I’m afraid of rocking the boat - but I think I’m playing a long game here.
I want my daughter to know she’s in charge of her body and what goes in it. I want her to know that I trust and believe her when she tells me what I feel. I want her to know that I care about her nutrition and health and that means that she does need vegetables and fruit, but it’s okay if she doesn’t like my enchiladas. You know? Their personality is a part of how you parent them
Has he done feeding therapy? That’s where I would start! How old is he? Typically feeding therapists will put a “safe” food on a plate but have it touch another food that is being introduced. And you typically only work on introducing one or two foods per week- try putting it to their lips, taking a minuscule bite, drawing and describing the new food, chopping it very very small and mixing it into something they like. Food introduction is very important and helping kids learn that even foods they don’t prefer aren’t bad- just not their favorite and that’s okay.
Oh Beth, I can’t imagine the heartbreak, grief, and feelings of guilt you have carried since that horrific collision. And it really is such a specific trauma for your body and mind to go through. Thank you for being willing to share your vulnerable emotions with us. Let it out. And keep letting it out whenever you need. ♥️
I have a relative who is an HP. He was in an officer-involved death, attempting to stop an intoxicated driver who was driving dangerously. This person is a highly trained professional adult. He took by-the-book actions, had no ill-intent toward the person, and knew the risk, but that doesn’t change the fact that he will still have to carry it for the rest of his life. As he said, that person had a family, too.
Thank you for sharing about the Hyacinth Fellowship. I will pass it along.
Sarah, when your mom says “call their bluff by age 3” what is an example? Cause like maybe I am doing that but also having a toddler is like living in an upside down world. Like I know his crocodile tears and don’t give in but also have to navigate it precisely as to not escalate the situation to actual tears… does that make sense and is that calling their bluff 🤷♀️
Beth, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. The way you hold such incredible strength and such incredible softness is truly beautiful. I admire you very much and cried right along with you today.
This entire episode was 🔥🔥. I mean, I know they all are but, this one was amazing!!
Every part of this episode just made me feel horrible. I would consider myself a pretty gentle parent to an only child who's now 15 and now I'm second guessing every parenting decision I've made. Not to mention the state of the world. I'm going to go climb into bed at 11am and eat a tub of ice cream.
Fun fact - never gentle parented STILL second guess every decision I ever made! I think that's just a super fun part of the process 🫠🫠🫠
oh friend! First, enjoy your ice cream.
Second, my mother-in-law asked me to explain what gentle parenting was after she listened to this episode (blessings to our parents' generation), and I told her that the broadest definition is that it's the idea that you should be kind to your children. Do some people take that too far to mean there should be no rules, and you should never tell your child no? Yes, there are people like that.
And, I'm going to take a wild guess. You listened to an hour-long podcast episode about the US War in Iran, Car Accidents, and Parenting. I don't have to know anything else about you to know you are a thoughtful parent who is trying really hard to do right by your kids. Your children are not rotten. They are loved. And they are whole human beings in themselves. Your kid is 15, do you like them? I feel like that's a good test. Do you enjoy their company? Do they have basic skills to use a microwave and do their laundry (it's okay if they don't, those things aren't hard, and they can learn really fast). The key to being a good parent isn't getting everything right. The key to being a good parent is giving a s*** and trying.
So, enjoy the ice cream - your nervous system probably needs a little soothing because it's hard when you feel judged. But, please do not give yourself a hard time. There are so many ways to raise a happy, healthy, functional adult. I'm reading these Presidential Biographies, and parents in the 1700s and 1800s were not good parents (also, they died at an alarming rate). Thomas Jefferson left his kids with a family member in America when he was ambassador to France, then brought them to be closer to him (when they didn't want to go) and enrolled them in a French boarding school. You are SO FAR ahead of the curve. -Maggie
Thank you so much for these kind words. It’s hard to raise kiddos in this current environment, even more so as a single mom with PTSD who spends most of the time regulating my nervous system. Your message made me feel much better. Thank you again Maggie!
Have we talked about picky eaters on the show before? Could Sarah expand how she gets her kids to be adventurous eaters? Like you force them? And Sarah, did you mention something about a choice to make PB sandwich--at what age did you start offering that?
I've always taken the approach of offering a variety of healthy, good foods; but we're approaching middle school with one who will sometimes only eat a slice of cucumber at dinner. What parenting advice does the PSP SuperNanny team have for us?!
I will preach on this. Putting it on the calendar! Or maybe a More to Say when Beth is out of town!
Oof that parenting discussion really felt like it lacked nuance. As a neurodivergent parent to two neurodivergent kids I will say Sarah’s method simply does not work in all situations. I am not a permissive parent in any way but this is not a one size fits all situation. Sometimes the harder parts come when they are older. And I just want to say for anyone who needs to hear it that it’s also ok to not love being a parent and to not think raising children is the best thing out there.
I stopped listening a few minutes into the parenting discussion. Some of that is because my kids are older teens and young adults. Some of it is because parenting discussions can't address all the caveats and nuances. I have 3 very different children. Their levels of success and failure are at different ends of the spectrum. They weren't really parented significantly differently. One is an adventurous eater and traveler and one is picky and never wants to travel. One thing I think parenting books fail to take into account is the level of compliance innate to your child. I laughed when Sarah says she tells her kids to take a picture and they do it. Sometimes that is my kid and sometimes not.
Omg thank you. I needed to hear this.
Agreed.
Loved this whole episode. I also love that the authoritarian/permissive/ authoritative framework I learned about in grad school is making its way into the mainstream understanding. In my experience as a therapist it seems that most parenting issues come from parents expecting either too much or too little from their kids based on their developmental stage and ability. The tricky part I’m learning with my own kids is keeping up with how that development shifts. It happens both slowly and overnight!
My mom always said - the second you figure it out they change!
My mom always said, the only constant is change.
what is the phrase Sarah has said a few times about feelings? She said it a few episodes ago and I can’t find it. related to parenting I NEED it for my eight (teen) year old daughter!
They are relevant but they aren't reality?
Thanks, Jacqueline! That's it! -m
Thank you! Tattoo it on my and my eight year olds body!
I can’t remember exactly how Sarah says it, but I’ve heard a version like feelings are indicators but shouldn’t be dictators.
I like that.
Thank you both so much for your vulnerability. My heart has been broken about the situation in Georgia, and I’m glad to hear grace being offered to those kids.
About parenting. We have two very easy-to-parent kids. I know much is their demeanor because they’ve been that way since babyhood. But it’s not like it was all a walk in the park. I lost count of the number of times people would say to me, “you’re so lucky your kids nap/stay in their rooms until wake-up time, etc.” In my mind, they didn’t have a choice! I couldn’t force them to sleep, but I certainly could force them to stay in their room for a certain amount of time. If they came out, they didn’t get to be done with rest time or get cuddles. They got marched straight back in. They learned very quickly that it didn’t work to try to get out of it. And we were all happy and well-rested and could cuddle plenty at a decent hour. 😂
But I had the energy for that enforcement because I had an equal parenting partner and generally easy kids. I think it becomes a vicious cycle with kids who are more naturally rebellious or who have real sleep problems. They need more consistency, but the parents are too tired to provide it.
I grew up in Gainesville, GA. I went to the high school where the teacher who died and his wife were teachers. My niece is a senior there this year. She has had his wife as a teacher several times. My SIL has his kid in her class. I know the DA very well.
It is the saddest of situations. My family was visiting there when it happened to see my niece star in her senior play.
I am so glad all charges were dropped. Because the wife also taught at the school, she knows these kids as well. I think it was nothing less than the grace of God that she is able to love and forgive so quickly. I feel certain that the DA who is a wonderful man is relieved to have the family want to drop the charges so he also doesn’t have to live with the possibility of these kids’ lives being ruined from this. They will always keep it in their hearts and minds, just like Beth has described, but my hope for them is that they grow to have the same kind of beautiful life Beth has now described having.
I’m so sorry for your community! It’s breaks my heart that something that should have been so fun turned so tragic. I grew up nearby in Gwinnett County. If it’s not too much trouble, please let us know how things are going and if we can help!
This was one of your best episodes. The part about car accidents was so beautifully discussed and gave me a lot to think about. Any of us could end up in a situation where something goes horribly wrong on the road.
I loved the part about parenting and felt very aligned with what you both said, especially Sarah. I always wanted children and I love being a parent to my two girls. They are 10 and almost 13 and I'm so happy with who they are becoming, and I think that we've done a good job of showing them love and having high expectations.
I know people love to say “gentle parenting isn't permissive parenting” but the popularity of gentle parenting has lead to widespread permissive parenting. I see children misbehaving in public and no one corrects them. Kids without boundaries are a nightmare to teach and be around, and if you ask any teacher, student behavior is a huge reason why teachers are fleeing the classroom. I think that a lot of parents are scared to be in charge and enforce boundaries, and that's very scary and disregulating for a child.
"Kids without boundaries are a nightmare to teach and be around, and if you ask any teacher, student behavior is a huge reason why teachers are fleeing the classroom."
LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK
As someone who has always driven a small car and has been driving a Prius for 16 years, I too believe cars are way too big. It’s terrifying on the road sometimes.
Also I stand with you Sarah, gentle parenting is the worst. As a non-child having person, gentle parented kids ruin the vibe basically everywhere. And I have incredible parents, I’m nuts about them. Also we were recently in Germany and German parenting seems to be more on the side of authoritative parenting. The kids in Germany are just so well behaved.
I loved the parenting piece. My husband was frustrated with our daughter because we’re getting the ‘No one else has to do x and y’ argument. I told him that a. Kids say that but b. What I learned from my time teaching is that a lot of kids AREN’T expected to do a lot. When Sarah said our expectations are so low, I find that to be so true of many of the kids we know.
My mom always said "I hated my mom at your age b/c my friends could do stuff I couldn't so I just figured I was on the right track"
I knew I wasn't having kids, but I watched all the Super Nanny episodes because I thought Jo Frost was really hot.
😂😂
How would you recommend dealing with a kid who will go as long as 48 hours without eating because he doesn't like anything that is available. Asking for a friend.
I come to this with the perspective of knowing a few people whose lives were ravaged by eating disorders and I have a very picky eater. I refuse to make food a power struggle. I will make what I’m going to make and we always have an assortment of safe foods for my daughter that she can make for herself. Just this week, her doctor was like “oh she has TMJ” so eating hard or crunchy foods probably is uncomfortable for her. I just want meal time to be pleasant - not because I’m afraid of rocking the boat - but I think I’m playing a long game here.
I want my daughter to know she’s in charge of her body and what goes in it. I want her to know that I trust and believe her when she tells me what I feel. I want her to know that I care about her nutrition and health and that means that she does need vegetables and fruit, but it’s okay if she doesn’t like my enchiladas. You know? Their personality is a part of how you parent them
Has he done feeding therapy? That’s where I would start! How old is he? Typically feeding therapists will put a “safe” food on a plate but have it touch another food that is being introduced. And you typically only work on introducing one or two foods per week- try putting it to their lips, taking a minuscule bite, drawing and describing the new food, chopping it very very small and mixing it into something they like. Food introduction is very important and helping kids learn that even foods they don’t prefer aren’t bad- just not their favorite and that’s okay.
Oh Beth, I can’t imagine the heartbreak, grief, and feelings of guilt you have carried since that horrific collision. And it really is such a specific trauma for your body and mind to go through. Thank you for being willing to share your vulnerable emotions with us. Let it out. And keep letting it out whenever you need. ♥️
I have a relative who is an HP. He was in an officer-involved death, attempting to stop an intoxicated driver who was driving dangerously. This person is a highly trained professional adult. He took by-the-book actions, had no ill-intent toward the person, and knew the risk, but that doesn’t change the fact that he will still have to carry it for the rest of his life. As he said, that person had a family, too.
Thank you for sharing about the Hyacinth Fellowship. I will pass it along.