I think for me it’s not that I don’t FEEL these things. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so ANGRY. I’m just trying to control my temper enough to not blast hate on the Internet or at people. I will let them see my heartbreak but not my fury. I’m working on focusing on calling out policy, not people. I’m working to be able to counter anyone who says, “the Left said….“ that that may be what they saw online, but they know that’s not ME. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to tell people they are wrong, but names, hate, and fear mongering don’t get us anywhere. Get it out in the shower. Let me also be clear I find it terribly unfair we are held to different standards AND I will not tolerate hearing people saying horrible things in my presence, but I’m not going to fight with a jerk on the Internet.
I refuse to become what they are too, Sarah. But I also think we need to protect our peace. I cannot break bread with Trump voters for my own sanity. I did all the things you talked about above. I talked myself blue in the face.
You can protect yourself and your family without hatred. You can take a firm stance and say to your family that voted against your basic human rights that you are detaching with love.
But this is abuse. It’s a form of it. And I think we have all been just acting like abuse victims - blaming ourselves, trying to get our abusers to love us. The fact is that their idea of love - and they believe they love us - is faulty. And that’s not on us. They’re in an abusive relationship too. And it may take a lot for them to see that.
I am struggling a lot with calls like this, for the same reasons many have said. I don't hate them, though. I'm furious with them. I don't have love for them anymore. I can only take so much with a fake smile on my face. I'll always treat people with dignity. But I don't owe them relationships or forgiveness. They are doing nothing to earn it. They don't even want to try.
I am with you. I need to focus on my peace and build community with people that hold the same values as I. I am no longer going high, I am basement level at this point and energy will be met with energy. I am currently grieving how much my Latin community pulled for him and even though it's not a surprise, it still feels like a punch in the face. So yeah, when the raids start and families separated, I need to be there for my community members that are truly going to suffer. I need to hold space for them and fight for them.
I'm sorry you're feeling that particular kind of grief. I can imagine it must be a lonely feeling. I hope you are able to find that inner peace. It's for sure what I am striving for. I've deleted Facebook and all of my news apps. I'll stay informed here, but otherwise, to survive this, I've got to just focus on the people who show up in my life and tune out the rest. I'll donate my time and money to fight for the future where I can, too. But...yeah...I can't fake love or even hope in most of my relationships with the maga folks in my life anymore. I'll just be cordial when we are forced together.
Thank you thank you thank you, Sara. We cannot become the thing we profess to hate. I’m letting this ring in my head over and over again. I’m choosing to focus on my micro world right now. Showing and sowing kindness around me.
There you are, consistently calling us back to the counsel of our better angels- thank you! I Reading your piece, I am struck by the notion that our struggle is not with flesh and blood , although they are a convenient and easy target. Instead, we contend with the principalities of oligarch-controlled media and government, an education system that is failing to equip young people to carry out the duties of citizenship in a pluralistic democracy, a culture of misinformation and a populace poorly trained in critical thinking to separate truth from myth. That is our work to do, and in doing it we must also fight hard to retain the empatthy and humanity that will fuel us and drive us forward.
To me it feels like an important part of what you are getting at is the outward expression of hatred, contempt, hostility, etc. In this online culture did I even have a feeling if I didn’t post about it? But sharing our pain or fury with the outside world (not here— it’s welcome here!) may not be good for us or the culture. That doesn’t mean we don’t fight. But fight actively, where change can occur, rather than in the comments section
That is true. And, because I am furious right now, I've deactivated my Facebook so I don't be hurtful to people. It's a value I have, and I don't want to break that. But...yeah, internally, even though I feel ugly for it in many ways, I fundamentally just feel differently about a lot of people in my life. There is an awful lot of family I will give only the minimum at this point. I don't feel like I love or like quite a few of them anymore, and frankly, it's because they've shown me time and time again that they don't love or like me either.
I walked away from Facebook years ago because it was bringing out the worst in me (often in reaction to the ugliness I saw in people I otherwise cared about.) It’s an unfortunate mirror on parts of life it’s easier not knowing about.
Thank you for these words, Sarah. I had naively posted a personal written statement on election night (way before the results came in). It urged relationship building and finding a better way forward together. And it resulted in a stranger (who voted the same way I did!) calling me a nazi yesterday.
This week has been such a rollercoaster. I thought I was in a better place after listening to today's episode and the Spicy MTS. And then I stumbled upon some abhorrent comments that my BIL made on a family friend's equally abhorrent post. And I felt the rage again. These words helped to bring me back though. I suspect the next weeks/months/...4 years are going to continue to be a rollercoaster. I appreciate this whole community as we all try to with through these feelings.
I have blocked all family and friends on social media who are Trump supporters. If I’m going to maintain any semblance of relationship with them in real life ( and those relationships will have well articulated boundaries) I don’t need to see what they post online. I’m not giving them the satisfaction of getting my emotions and blood pressure up.
I also deactivated FB. I’m taking IG and threads off my phone.
Substack is the only place I’m going to be for at least the next few months. We are going to need to protect our mental health more than ever.
Mostly same. I had done so much to "clean up" my feed in 2020 that I hadn't really seen much Trump stuff this time around. My BIL is deep into QAnon, etc., and he had actually unfriended me and most other family members a few years ago. But somehow I hadn't blocked this family friend, probably because his stuff usually doesn't show up in my feed. Unfollowing now because it was all deeply disturbing.
I am struggling. I don’t hate Trump supporters—I am a deep believer in human dignity, no matter who they are or what they’ve done. There’s also a difference between respecting someone as a human/treating them with kindness and having them as a key part of my life. I don’t know what to do. I live in a DEEP red area, and nearly everyone I know has voted for Trump THREE TIMES. In 2016, I twisted myself into knots trying to believe that they just weren’t paying attention, that they didn’t know. That is no longer the case; of course they know, and yet here we are again. These are people I love dearly, but the difference in our values is so stark now. How do I maintain close relationships with people I just don’t trust anymore? How do I allow them to have a place of influence in my little boy’s life (which feels so dangerous now)?
This is a key part of where I'm landing too. I really believe their vote this times is a categorical difference than in 2016 or 2020. And I think part of my response is that these are no longer safe people for me to trust in my close circle. I think polite distance is how I need to reframe things. I'm just starting to try to articulate my thinking on this ... but I think it aligns closely with what you said.
Thank you Sarah. I saw that line as well, and my stomach dropped. I totally relate to the anger, the need to rage and grieve, the need for processing and self-protection. I also know that living in that place for too long burns everything up. Ask me how I know! I have lingering health problems to prove it. To me, refusing to hate is not the same as "making nice." It's not pretending we're not horrified, disgusted and terrified for the safety of so much and so many. It's not refusing to speak up or refusing to fight. To me, it's protecting a flame inside and holding onto what I'm fighting for. On a basic level, it's self-preservation.
Yes I appreciate this Asha. Your comment is helping some things click for me - It’s like speaking up or calling out the hate/the meanness/whatever it is about at the time, but keeping it about the issue or action, and not labeling or judging someone as evil, vile, deranged, etc….
However, I find that harder to do with influencers/politicians/people in power than I do with people I actually know. I guess that’s why it’s important to keep the relationships - as long as they are not causing me harm, and when they are, ending the relationship or putting boundaries around it is a way to speak up for what’s right
I'm back to comment again, because here's another thing I'm struggling with. Those of us who voted for Kamala are on the right side of history. There's absolutely no one who could convince me otherwise. We voted for progress and inclusion. Their guy is literally a bigoted racist. So why do we approach the other side with grace or any attempt to understand? I just want to keep fighting, because anything else feels like letting them win.
I struggle with this too. Where I’m landing is that I do it for me. Not for them. I can’t live in that place where I think half the country are evil racists out to get me and those I love. It’s not a healthy or good place for me. So I choose to remember that we are all messy human beings and people can and do change. I want that for them as well as for the rest of us.
That doesn’t mean that I’m going silent or that I’m not going to continue to fight for change. It just means that I’m not going to write off everyone. That said, I’ve also decided to not expend a lot of energy in trying to understand where they are coming from any more (I’ve done that for that past 10 years). We are where we are and I want to focus on what moves us forward. Truth is that I’m feeling exhausted over trying to win arguments on the internet and want to do something different this time. I’ve started getting more involved in organizing locally and that has felt much more rewarding and productive (and even fun!)
This is really helpful because I’ve done the same for so long…tried to understand for years. Tried to love people through it. Tried to find common ground. Now I just gotta focus on what I stand for and my own actions in service to my community.
Thank you. I needed this. I disconnected from SM, because everyone’s anger showed up pointing fingers, blaming, & wanting to tear people apart. It feels like 2 sides of the same coin. It’s not healthy or productive for me.
The hardening here and now is exactly what it sought after here. If we are all fighting with each other, sowing more fear and separation we are easier to overthrow and dominate by people in power. If everyone is shouting no one is listening and no one is seeing what’s really going on.
Hang in there folks. We have to hold on to our humanity and our sanity so we are equipped to handle whatever comes next.
People don't believe that Civil War could break out in the streets of America. Yes it can, and this just might be the tipping point. We are largely an armed populace, and this could ugly real fast.
I think for me it’s not that I don’t FEEL these things. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so ANGRY. I’m just trying to control my temper enough to not blast hate on the Internet or at people. I will let them see my heartbreak but not my fury. I’m working on focusing on calling out policy, not people. I’m working to be able to counter anyone who says, “the Left said….“ that that may be what they saw online, but they know that’s not ME. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to tell people they are wrong, but names, hate, and fear mongering don’t get us anywhere. Get it out in the shower. Let me also be clear I find it terribly unfair we are held to different standards AND I will not tolerate hearing people saying horrible things in my presence, but I’m not going to fight with a jerk on the Internet.
This text reminded me of this quote that is attributed to Freud
“The virtuous man contents himself with dreaming that which the wicked man does in actual life”
Also, sorry for the shameless plug.
This is my take as an immigrant on events of last week and the innate “goodness” of people.
https://peteca.substack.com/p/another-american-lie
Anyway you could go thru the Project 2025 doctrine so we know what to expect?
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2RAeR996OuNJXAEwGOD3K4?si=S6C5HjctToKo2pKoMDrZ1g
We're working on a link to the episodes so they're easy to access, but here's the whole series.
Beth covered Project 2025 in a series of MTS back in late August.
I refuse to become what they are too, Sarah. But I also think we need to protect our peace. I cannot break bread with Trump voters for my own sanity. I did all the things you talked about above. I talked myself blue in the face.
You can protect yourself and your family without hatred. You can take a firm stance and say to your family that voted against your basic human rights that you are detaching with love.
But this is abuse. It’s a form of it. And I think we have all been just acting like abuse victims - blaming ourselves, trying to get our abusers to love us. The fact is that their idea of love - and they believe they love us - is faulty. And that’s not on us. They’re in an abusive relationship too. And it may take a lot for them to see that.
I am struggling a lot with calls like this, for the same reasons many have said. I don't hate them, though. I'm furious with them. I don't have love for them anymore. I can only take so much with a fake smile on my face. I'll always treat people with dignity. But I don't owe them relationships or forgiveness. They are doing nothing to earn it. They don't even want to try.
I am with you. I need to focus on my peace and build community with people that hold the same values as I. I am no longer going high, I am basement level at this point and energy will be met with energy. I am currently grieving how much my Latin community pulled for him and even though it's not a surprise, it still feels like a punch in the face. So yeah, when the raids start and families separated, I need to be there for my community members that are truly going to suffer. I need to hold space for them and fight for them.
I'm sorry you're feeling that particular kind of grief. I can imagine it must be a lonely feeling. I hope you are able to find that inner peace. It's for sure what I am striving for. I've deleted Facebook and all of my news apps. I'll stay informed here, but otherwise, to survive this, I've got to just focus on the people who show up in my life and tune out the rest. I'll donate my time and money to fight for the future where I can, too. But...yeah...I can't fake love or even hope in most of my relationships with the maga folks in my life anymore. I'll just be cordial when we are forced together.
Thank you thank you thank you, Sara. We cannot become the thing we profess to hate. I’m letting this ring in my head over and over again. I’m choosing to focus on my micro world right now. Showing and sowing kindness around me.
There you are, consistently calling us back to the counsel of our better angels- thank you! I Reading your piece, I am struck by the notion that our struggle is not with flesh and blood , although they are a convenient and easy target. Instead, we contend with the principalities of oligarch-controlled media and government, an education system that is failing to equip young people to carry out the duties of citizenship in a pluralistic democracy, a culture of misinformation and a populace poorly trained in critical thinking to separate truth from myth. That is our work to do, and in doing it we must also fight hard to retain the empatthy and humanity that will fuel us and drive us forward.
To me it feels like an important part of what you are getting at is the outward expression of hatred, contempt, hostility, etc. In this online culture did I even have a feeling if I didn’t post about it? But sharing our pain or fury with the outside world (not here— it’s welcome here!) may not be good for us or the culture. That doesn’t mean we don’t fight. But fight actively, where change can occur, rather than in the comments section
That is true. And, because I am furious right now, I've deactivated my Facebook so I don't be hurtful to people. It's a value I have, and I don't want to break that. But...yeah, internally, even though I feel ugly for it in many ways, I fundamentally just feel differently about a lot of people in my life. There is an awful lot of family I will give only the minimum at this point. I don't feel like I love or like quite a few of them anymore, and frankly, it's because they've shown me time and time again that they don't love or like me either.
I walked away from Facebook years ago because it was bringing out the worst in me (often in reaction to the ugliness I saw in people I otherwise cared about.) It’s an unfortunate mirror on parts of life it’s easier not knowing about.
I can relate to that. Unfortunately, I think SM exacerbates all the dysfunction.
This.
Thank you for these words, Sarah. I had naively posted a personal written statement on election night (way before the results came in). It urged relationship building and finding a better way forward together. And it resulted in a stranger (who voted the same way I did!) calling me a nazi yesterday.
I needed to read your post today.
This week has been such a rollercoaster. I thought I was in a better place after listening to today's episode and the Spicy MTS. And then I stumbled upon some abhorrent comments that my BIL made on a family friend's equally abhorrent post. And I felt the rage again. These words helped to bring me back though. I suspect the next weeks/months/...4 years are going to continue to be a rollercoaster. I appreciate this whole community as we all try to with through these feelings.
I have blocked all family and friends on social media who are Trump supporters. If I’m going to maintain any semblance of relationship with them in real life ( and those relationships will have well articulated boundaries) I don’t need to see what they post online. I’m not giving them the satisfaction of getting my emotions and blood pressure up.
I also deactivated FB. I’m taking IG and threads off my phone.
Substack is the only place I’m going to be for at least the next few months. We are going to need to protect our mental health more than ever.
Mostly same. I had done so much to "clean up" my feed in 2020 that I hadn't really seen much Trump stuff this time around. My BIL is deep into QAnon, etc., and he had actually unfriended me and most other family members a few years ago. But somehow I hadn't blocked this family friend, probably because his stuff usually doesn't show up in my feed. Unfollowing now because it was all deeply disturbing.
I am struggling. I don’t hate Trump supporters—I am a deep believer in human dignity, no matter who they are or what they’ve done. There’s also a difference between respecting someone as a human/treating them with kindness and having them as a key part of my life. I don’t know what to do. I live in a DEEP red area, and nearly everyone I know has voted for Trump THREE TIMES. In 2016, I twisted myself into knots trying to believe that they just weren’t paying attention, that they didn’t know. That is no longer the case; of course they know, and yet here we are again. These are people I love dearly, but the difference in our values is so stark now. How do I maintain close relationships with people I just don’t trust anymore? How do I allow them to have a place of influence in my little boy’s life (which feels so dangerous now)?
I couldn’t agree more. This time every eligible voter saw January 6th with their own eyes and thought, yeah, I’m good with that.
This is a key part of where I'm landing too. I really believe their vote this times is a categorical difference than in 2016 or 2020. And I think part of my response is that these are no longer safe people for me to trust in my close circle. I think polite distance is how I need to reframe things. I'm just starting to try to articulate my thinking on this ... but I think it aligns closely with what you said.
Thank you Sarah. I saw that line as well, and my stomach dropped. I totally relate to the anger, the need to rage and grieve, the need for processing and self-protection. I also know that living in that place for too long burns everything up. Ask me how I know! I have lingering health problems to prove it. To me, refusing to hate is not the same as "making nice." It's not pretending we're not horrified, disgusted and terrified for the safety of so much and so many. It's not refusing to speak up or refusing to fight. To me, it's protecting a flame inside and holding onto what I'm fighting for. On a basic level, it's self-preservation.
Yes I appreciate this Asha. Your comment is helping some things click for me - It’s like speaking up or calling out the hate/the meanness/whatever it is about at the time, but keeping it about the issue or action, and not labeling or judging someone as evil, vile, deranged, etc….
However, I find that harder to do with influencers/politicians/people in power than I do with people I actually know. I guess that’s why it’s important to keep the relationships - as long as they are not causing me harm, and when they are, ending the relationship or putting boundaries around it is a way to speak up for what’s right
Thank you, Rachel. I’m running out right now so I can’t compose a proper reply but I will soon.
This right here 💜💜💜
I'm back to comment again, because here's another thing I'm struggling with. Those of us who voted for Kamala are on the right side of history. There's absolutely no one who could convince me otherwise. We voted for progress and inclusion. Their guy is literally a bigoted racist. So why do we approach the other side with grace or any attempt to understand? I just want to keep fighting, because anything else feels like letting them win.
I struggle with this too. Where I’m landing is that I do it for me. Not for them. I can’t live in that place where I think half the country are evil racists out to get me and those I love. It’s not a healthy or good place for me. So I choose to remember that we are all messy human beings and people can and do change. I want that for them as well as for the rest of us.
That doesn’t mean that I’m going silent or that I’m not going to continue to fight for change. It just means that I’m not going to write off everyone. That said, I’ve also decided to not expend a lot of energy in trying to understand where they are coming from any more (I’ve done that for that past 10 years). We are where we are and I want to focus on what moves us forward. Truth is that I’m feeling exhausted over trying to win arguments on the internet and want to do something different this time. I’ve started getting more involved in organizing locally and that has felt much more rewarding and productive (and even fun!)
This is really helpful because I’ve done the same for so long…tried to understand for years. Tried to love people through it. Tried to find common ground. Now I just gotta focus on what I stand for and my own actions in service to my community.
I’m struggling with that too. I don’t have any answers but I’m with you in the struggle
Thank you. I needed this. I disconnected from SM, because everyone’s anger showed up pointing fingers, blaming, & wanting to tear people apart. It feels like 2 sides of the same coin. It’s not healthy or productive for me.
The hardening here and now is exactly what it sought after here. If we are all fighting with each other, sowing more fear and separation we are easier to overthrow and dominate by people in power. If everyone is shouting no one is listening and no one is seeing what’s really going on.
Hang in there folks. We have to hold on to our humanity and our sanity so we are equipped to handle whatever comes next.
People don't believe that Civil War could break out in the streets of America. Yes it can, and this just might be the tipping point. We are largely an armed populace, and this could ugly real fast.