I think a lot of this depends on how involved you expect to be in your childrens' lives once they are adults.
Are you planning to phone/FaceTime your adult children every week, or every day? If your adult children don't call you every day, are you planning to call them and pick a fight with them about it?
Are you going to get mad at them, if they don't tell you they've gone to view an apartment until after they've already viewed it?
Are you going to feel disgruntled if they go on an adventure with a new significant other and don't invite you to tag along?
Are you planning to solve every problem you think your adult children may have on a given day, or are you willing to let them work through things themselves, as they may need to do, in order to gain confidence in their own independence? Even if you don't approve of, or appreciate, their approach?
Are you planning to let yourself into their homes uninvited once they are adults, and clean their spaces because you think their spaces are too messy? Are you planning to do their laundry when they are adults, unasked for, because you think you are "helping"? Are you planning to reorganize their kitchens, unasked for, because "the plates don't go there"?
If your adult children work up the courage to approach you about a behaviour of yours that they don't like, do you plan to shut them down and tell them they are being disrespectful, or do you plan to hear them out ... even if what they say hurts to hear at first?
I mean, some people are definitely milking the algorithm for attention and clicks. But there are also plenty of reasons adult children need and demand space. There's involved and then there's micromanaging. It is not reasonable to expect to be the center of attention in your adult children's lives.
TL;DR - Treat your future daughter/son-in-law how you would have wanted your mother-in-law to have treated you.
The Beckham wedding saga illustrates a familiar cultural mechanism: tradition becomes an alibi, spectators act as arbiters, and boundary-setting is reframed as disruption. My latest essay explores how the same mechanism plays out in wedding rituals, where humiliation is excused as fun and resistance becomes the problem.
I think I am starting to doubt that no-contact is a trend. Instead, I think it is just the result of the culture of constant contact even when someone moves away due to social media, improved technology, and easier transportation. 50 years ago, someone could move away from their family and "miss" their phone calls, "lose" their letters, or not travel home because of the "cost" or "inconvenience" - when in reality they needed space from their family. Today, people don't have that convenience or excuse. Instead, the increased ability to stay in constant communication has forced people to be honest about why they are not responding or coming home. If I had to guess, there were probably just as many people who intentionally didn't stay in contact with their family or limited contact with their family 50 years ago. People could leave, not talk to their family for months or years at a time and choose to return or continue communication when they were ready. But it was easier to explain it away without addressing the real problem.
Allll the way back in 2009 I stopped all contact with my husband's father. It was messy. He was expecting us to financially support him, his wife that was 20 years younger than him, and their two children, because he was having health issues. Called my husband to try and convince him to send money without talking to me. My husband was just finishing PA school as active duty and we went from enlisted to officer. We had no money to give. He also said that money he had helped us with years before, that was actually a loan......I didn't stop my husband from seeing his dad though. He could call and email and do whatever, but I would no longer allow myself or my kids around him. Many many more things happened with him disowning my husband and them him apologizing.....only for it to happen again. I'm certain his dad felt like I was controlling him. November of 2015 my sister in law died of a drug overdose. We were living in Hawaii so only my husband went to the service. His dad's behavior was so beyond acceptable, to the point my husband decided he was done with his dad as well. I have no regrets about my decision. I have a deep love for Jesus and in his words to love our neighbors. And most people I do pretty well at loving. Some I can only love the way Jesus wants me to by never seeing them again. Ten years ago I would have been so angry while writing this. Now, it is just part of our family story. And while I'm not sure I actually love him yet, at least I'm not angry anymore which gives space for love to come......Hopefully.
My mother-in-law from my first marriage worshipped me. Okay maybe that is going too far. But her love for me was 100% unconditional. She was the best. Now that I am a mother-in-law I try to follow in her footsteps. I wish she was still alive. I have questions. I do spoil my DIL and love her a lot. Always wanted a daughter. I raised my son to be independent so that helps a lot. I still sometimes share my opinion too often without being asked 😱 I tell my son to be honest with tell me if I say too much. I would rather have you tell me where I am out of line in order to maintain the relationship.
I know too many woman who have experienced the NO CONTACT.
I love my MIL. She has been my theater buddy for over 20 years. Neither my husband or his father are big into musicals, so she & I became theater league members together.
As the holidays were ending I was hit with how grown my children are and how our lives have and continue to change. I have a 24 year old in the Air Force living in Virginia, a 21 year old who lives with us but is planning to move to Washington this Spring, and an 18 year old away at college. It made me realize that in reality, we only have our children in our homes for 18-22 years, and yet so much is focused on the stages of parenthood prior to adulthood. We really don't talk about parent/child relationships as they reach and move into adulthood. I have decided to focus on working on relationships with my children as "people" not as my children. I am encouraging my kids to work on having relationships with each other not as "siblings" but as people. I took a page from Sarah and altered it to fit my family, by creating a visual poster of each persons individual goals, shows they want to see, adventures they want to have, etc. By sharing this one another my hope is to create opportunities to share, talk about, experience together and create a foundation for relationship.
I have a high maintenance MIL and it is a constant struggle. I was brought up to respect everyone especially the generations before me. I actually moved in with my grandparents during covid to help take care of them. I make meals for our friends parents after hospital stays. When planning our wedding I tried to have her involved, since she only had boys and none of my other sister in laws made her feel included. But it is HARD with this woman. She made hair and makeup all about her to the point where my photographer took myself and bridesmaids out of the bridal suite so I wouldn't cry. She called me the B word during family photos because the photographer asked her to step to the side so we could do my family side of photos. She called us at 7 am the day after our wedding because on of my husbands brothers left his suite jacket at the hall and we needed to retrieve it ASAP.
Things have not gotten easier since our wedding 3 years ago. When my parents retired to Puerto Rico last year, I pretty much was told by her that I would be causing great harm if I ever tried to take my husband and step-kids to see my parents on any major holiday because she is more important. She cried to my husband that we don't love her anymore because we are planning on doing NYE next year with my parents, like as in 11 months from now and leaving post Christmas. There is no compromising with her either, its her way or the highway. Crying to my husband is common occurrence for her to get her way. I've lost count how many times I've tried to include her in things and for them to not be good enough or how many important days have been ruined because she needs to be the center of attention. But I love my husband and so I keep trying to make her happy.
My mother in law passed away unexpectedly seven weeks after the birth of my first child, her second granddaughter (also 5 months after my own dad passed away unexpectedly). She was the polar opposite of me personality-wise. BUT she loved me unconditionally and my husband/her son unconditionally and that was never a source of contention. Navigating family dynamics in this fractured manner (my husband is “the man” for my mom and sister without my dad around, and my husband has a very involved father for our girls, and a stepdad who can’t be bothered to spend time with them), has been challenging and strange but we’ve figured it out. I just can’t imagine going “no contact” with any of my family, after what we experienced.
To make you feel better, please enjoy an example of a healthy relationship. I absolutely ADORE my mother-in-law. We share books. We talk on the phone. Sometimes when my husband has to work holidays, I just go stay with her. And I even encourage my husband to see her more. I'd even go out on a limb and say that he's closer to her now than he was before we got married. I'm incredibly close to my parents (bordering on codependent), so I've kind of forced him to be closer to his (although we did lose his dad last year).
This is such a tender topic for me. My brother is one of the people who’s gone no contact. And it’s very much because of his wife. I’m convinced she didn’t like how close he was to his family from day 1 and did everything in her power to sever that relationship as methodically as possible every single day they’ve been together.
There were some legit bumps that I could see being issues for her/them over the years, but she has never once given grace for a huge family trauma we all experienced and still live (my 50 year old sister was in a drunk driving accident when she was 20 and suffered a sever TBI that completely changed our entire family; my brother was only 12 when it happened). My parents haven’t done everything right over the years - and I’ve had my own fall out with them over it as well - but I don’t think my brother would’ve ever considered going no contact if not for his wife.
We all tried SO hard with her. But she somehow had a picture in her head of what everyone in our family should do for their family and, when we didn’t meet that expectation, she convinced my brother to cut us off. First it was my parents, and then me when I didn’t take their side (I instead used the opportunity to step into the breach with my parents and repair our relationship instead of throwing it out).
So while I think there are other issues at play with the Beckhams because fame is an ugly thing sometimes, I can say from experience that it’s a VERY real thing to have a DIL/SIL pull a family apart.
I don't care one whit about the Beckhams at all, but I do care about you so I will pass on some advice I was given when my kids began to have serious romantic relationships: treat every person your kid brings home like they are "the one." You are the mom; you set the tone. Treat that person like you will be sitting across from them at the Thanksgiving table for the rest of your life, like you will be holding a newborn baby at their bedside. Treat that person with all the curiosity and generosity I know your big beautiful heart holds. It doesn't matter if the relationship lasts for 3 months or 3 years; the way you treat the people your sons love is how you treat your sons. They will take their cues from you. In the meantime, begin to do the thoughtful work of detaching your expectations for your children. Try to have as few "wants" as possible. Learn when to back off and celebrate every moment of agency, competence and independence as a victory and really trust your mothering. Trust your sons. They will want you in their life. With love from your friend who married the oldest of three sons and who cherishes their mother-in-law beyond measure.
I agree with this, and be prepared for the sadness it brings when they break up (if you liked the SO). It was really tough when my daughter's girlfriend, whom I adored, broke her heart. 💔 But I had to trust that it would eventually be got the best, and I think it has been.
My 23 year old son had a serious girlfriend in college that I liked, but definitely felt was not "the one" for him. Nevertheless I treated her as if she might be and just squirmed silently as he learned to handle difficult aspects of that relationship. (He did ask for my advice a few times, which I felt honored by, and on one of those occasions I even took her side about an issue he was struggling to understand.) They did break up, but he's wiser for the experience. It felt weird to just cut her out of my life suddenly, but due to the circumstances of the breakup, it was required.
That's definitely been the weirdest thing about adult SOs - you become friends with them to a degree and then - poof - they are gone!
Oh, I miss our daughter's first serious boyfriend, Diego. He is a real gem, but they both needed to go their separate ways after graduating from college in order to move towards they life they both wanted. They loved each other but weren't ready to be a "we." The funny thing is that the local paper published a front page photo on of the two of them smooching at graduation and they broke up the next day!
I have totally missed this story (benefits of being mostly offline, I guess?), but reading this makes me grateful to 1) not be famous, 2) to have grown up with dual examples of a good in-law relationship, and 3) to have married someone whose family feels like an extension of my own.
I think a lot of this depends on how involved you expect to be in your childrens' lives once they are adults.
Are you planning to phone/FaceTime your adult children every week, or every day? If your adult children don't call you every day, are you planning to call them and pick a fight with them about it?
Are you going to get mad at them, if they don't tell you they've gone to view an apartment until after they've already viewed it?
Are you going to feel disgruntled if they go on an adventure with a new significant other and don't invite you to tag along?
Are you planning to solve every problem you think your adult children may have on a given day, or are you willing to let them work through things themselves, as they may need to do, in order to gain confidence in their own independence? Even if you don't approve of, or appreciate, their approach?
Are you planning to let yourself into their homes uninvited once they are adults, and clean their spaces because you think their spaces are too messy? Are you planning to do their laundry when they are adults, unasked for, because you think you are "helping"? Are you planning to reorganize their kitchens, unasked for, because "the plates don't go there"?
If your adult children work up the courage to approach you about a behaviour of yours that they don't like, do you plan to shut them down and tell them they are being disrespectful, or do you plan to hear them out ... even if what they say hurts to hear at first?
I mean, some people are definitely milking the algorithm for attention and clicks. But there are also plenty of reasons adult children need and demand space. There's involved and then there's micromanaging. It is not reasonable to expect to be the center of attention in your adult children's lives.
TL;DR - Treat your future daughter/son-in-law how you would have wanted your mother-in-law to have treated you.
The Beckham wedding saga illustrates a familiar cultural mechanism: tradition becomes an alibi, spectators act as arbiters, and boundary-setting is reframed as disruption. My latest essay explores how the same mechanism plays out in wedding rituals, where humiliation is excused as fun and resistance becomes the problem.
I think I am starting to doubt that no-contact is a trend. Instead, I think it is just the result of the culture of constant contact even when someone moves away due to social media, improved technology, and easier transportation. 50 years ago, someone could move away from their family and "miss" their phone calls, "lose" their letters, or not travel home because of the "cost" or "inconvenience" - when in reality they needed space from their family. Today, people don't have that convenience or excuse. Instead, the increased ability to stay in constant communication has forced people to be honest about why they are not responding or coming home. If I had to guess, there were probably just as many people who intentionally didn't stay in contact with their family or limited contact with their family 50 years ago. People could leave, not talk to their family for months or years at a time and choose to return or continue communication when they were ready. But it was easier to explain it away without addressing the real problem.
Here for this take.
Allll the way back in 2009 I stopped all contact with my husband's father. It was messy. He was expecting us to financially support him, his wife that was 20 years younger than him, and their two children, because he was having health issues. Called my husband to try and convince him to send money without talking to me. My husband was just finishing PA school as active duty and we went from enlisted to officer. We had no money to give. He also said that money he had helped us with years before, that was actually a loan......I didn't stop my husband from seeing his dad though. He could call and email and do whatever, but I would no longer allow myself or my kids around him. Many many more things happened with him disowning my husband and them him apologizing.....only for it to happen again. I'm certain his dad felt like I was controlling him. November of 2015 my sister in law died of a drug overdose. We were living in Hawaii so only my husband went to the service. His dad's behavior was so beyond acceptable, to the point my husband decided he was done with his dad as well. I have no regrets about my decision. I have a deep love for Jesus and in his words to love our neighbors. And most people I do pretty well at loving. Some I can only love the way Jesus wants me to by never seeing them again. Ten years ago I would have been so angry while writing this. Now, it is just part of our family story. And while I'm not sure I actually love him yet, at least I'm not angry anymore which gives space for love to come......Hopefully.
My mother-in-law from my first marriage worshipped me. Okay maybe that is going too far. But her love for me was 100% unconditional. She was the best. Now that I am a mother-in-law I try to follow in her footsteps. I wish she was still alive. I have questions. I do spoil my DIL and love her a lot. Always wanted a daughter. I raised my son to be independent so that helps a lot. I still sometimes share my opinion too often without being asked 😱 I tell my son to be honest with tell me if I say too much. I would rather have you tell me where I am out of line in order to maintain the relationship.
I know too many woman who have experienced the NO CONTACT.
I love my MIL. She has been my theater buddy for over 20 years. Neither my husband or his father are big into musicals, so she & I became theater league members together.
As the holidays were ending I was hit with how grown my children are and how our lives have and continue to change. I have a 24 year old in the Air Force living in Virginia, a 21 year old who lives with us but is planning to move to Washington this Spring, and an 18 year old away at college. It made me realize that in reality, we only have our children in our homes for 18-22 years, and yet so much is focused on the stages of parenthood prior to adulthood. We really don't talk about parent/child relationships as they reach and move into adulthood. I have decided to focus on working on relationships with my children as "people" not as my children. I am encouraging my kids to work on having relationships with each other not as "siblings" but as people. I took a page from Sarah and altered it to fit my family, by creating a visual poster of each persons individual goals, shows they want to see, adventures they want to have, etc. By sharing this one another my hope is to create opportunities to share, talk about, experience together and create a foundation for relationship.
I have a high maintenance MIL and it is a constant struggle. I was brought up to respect everyone especially the generations before me. I actually moved in with my grandparents during covid to help take care of them. I make meals for our friends parents after hospital stays. When planning our wedding I tried to have her involved, since she only had boys and none of my other sister in laws made her feel included. But it is HARD with this woman. She made hair and makeup all about her to the point where my photographer took myself and bridesmaids out of the bridal suite so I wouldn't cry. She called me the B word during family photos because the photographer asked her to step to the side so we could do my family side of photos. She called us at 7 am the day after our wedding because on of my husbands brothers left his suite jacket at the hall and we needed to retrieve it ASAP.
Things have not gotten easier since our wedding 3 years ago. When my parents retired to Puerto Rico last year, I pretty much was told by her that I would be causing great harm if I ever tried to take my husband and step-kids to see my parents on any major holiday because she is more important. She cried to my husband that we don't love her anymore because we are planning on doing NYE next year with my parents, like as in 11 months from now and leaving post Christmas. There is no compromising with her either, its her way or the highway. Crying to my husband is common occurrence for her to get her way. I've lost count how many times I've tried to include her in things and for them to not be good enough or how many important days have been ruined because she needs to be the center of attention. But I love my husband and so I keep trying to make her happy.
My mother in law passed away unexpectedly seven weeks after the birth of my first child, her second granddaughter (also 5 months after my own dad passed away unexpectedly). She was the polar opposite of me personality-wise. BUT she loved me unconditionally and my husband/her son unconditionally and that was never a source of contention. Navigating family dynamics in this fractured manner (my husband is “the man” for my mom and sister without my dad around, and my husband has a very involved father for our girls, and a stepdad who can’t be bothered to spend time with them), has been challenging and strange but we’ve figured it out. I just can’t imagine going “no contact” with any of my family, after what we experienced.
To make you feel better, please enjoy an example of a healthy relationship. I absolutely ADORE my mother-in-law. We share books. We talk on the phone. Sometimes when my husband has to work holidays, I just go stay with her. And I even encourage my husband to see her more. I'd even go out on a limb and say that he's closer to her now than he was before we got married. I'm incredibly close to my parents (bordering on codependent), so I've kind of forced him to be closer to his (although we did lose his dad last year).
This is such a tender topic for me. My brother is one of the people who’s gone no contact. And it’s very much because of his wife. I’m convinced she didn’t like how close he was to his family from day 1 and did everything in her power to sever that relationship as methodically as possible every single day they’ve been together.
There were some legit bumps that I could see being issues for her/them over the years, but she has never once given grace for a huge family trauma we all experienced and still live (my 50 year old sister was in a drunk driving accident when she was 20 and suffered a sever TBI that completely changed our entire family; my brother was only 12 when it happened). My parents haven’t done everything right over the years - and I’ve had my own fall out with them over it as well - but I don’t think my brother would’ve ever considered going no contact if not for his wife.
We all tried SO hard with her. But she somehow had a picture in her head of what everyone in our family should do for their family and, when we didn’t meet that expectation, she convinced my brother to cut us off. First it was my parents, and then me when I didn’t take their side (I instead used the opportunity to step into the breach with my parents and repair our relationship instead of throwing it out).
So while I think there are other issues at play with the Beckhams because fame is an ugly thing sometimes, I can say from experience that it’s a VERY real thing to have a DIL/SIL pull a family apart.
I don't care one whit about the Beckhams at all, but I do care about you so I will pass on some advice I was given when my kids began to have serious romantic relationships: treat every person your kid brings home like they are "the one." You are the mom; you set the tone. Treat that person like you will be sitting across from them at the Thanksgiving table for the rest of your life, like you will be holding a newborn baby at their bedside. Treat that person with all the curiosity and generosity I know your big beautiful heart holds. It doesn't matter if the relationship lasts for 3 months or 3 years; the way you treat the people your sons love is how you treat your sons. They will take their cues from you. In the meantime, begin to do the thoughtful work of detaching your expectations for your children. Try to have as few "wants" as possible. Learn when to back off and celebrate every moment of agency, competence and independence as a victory and really trust your mothering. Trust your sons. They will want you in their life. With love from your friend who married the oldest of three sons and who cherishes their mother-in-law beyond measure.
I agree with this, and be prepared for the sadness it brings when they break up (if you liked the SO). It was really tough when my daughter's girlfriend, whom I adored, broke her heart. 💔 But I had to trust that it would eventually be got the best, and I think it has been.
My 23 year old son had a serious girlfriend in college that I liked, but definitely felt was not "the one" for him. Nevertheless I treated her as if she might be and just squirmed silently as he learned to handle difficult aspects of that relationship. (He did ask for my advice a few times, which I felt honored by, and on one of those occasions I even took her side about an issue he was struggling to understand.) They did break up, but he's wiser for the experience. It felt weird to just cut her out of my life suddenly, but due to the circumstances of the breakup, it was required.
That's definitely been the weirdest thing about adult SOs - you become friends with them to a degree and then - poof - they are gone!
Oh, I miss our daughter's first serious boyfriend, Diego. He is a real gem, but they both needed to go their separate ways after graduating from college in order to move towards they life they both wanted. They loved each other but weren't ready to be a "we." The funny thing is that the local paper published a front page photo on of the two of them smooching at graduation and they broke up the next day!
I have totally missed this story (benefits of being mostly offline, I guess?), but reading this makes me grateful to 1) not be famous, 2) to have grown up with dual examples of a good in-law relationship, and 3) to have married someone whose family feels like an extension of my own.
hmmmmmm
Well, there goes a few minutes of my life that I will never get back........total waste of my time.
How much do you value your privacy if you air your laundry on social media?